Rules For Visitors

I was talking with my photographer and a nameless friend of mine about visitors. Luckily I've been fortunate about having visitors to my house as they have all heeded to my set of rules, which by the way are non-negotiable. But for those of you with visitors/visitor issues please iterate these rules to them and their vacation, or whatever, should run smoothly

Rules for Visiting.:
1. No A.M. flights, period, coming or going. This not only fucks up sleep for the for the host who has to a.) pick up or drop yo ass off at the airport/train/taxi/bus/moped (?????), or b.) go to work [you on vacation mutha f*&#@#$ not me!!!!], BUT it messes up your sleep as well (See, I can be nice ;)). Either arrive the night before or come in the afternoon and miss out on hours that could've been spent doing that touristy shit you like.
2. No, we will not be acting like ballers over the weekend. Yes, this is a vacation for you and you've saved for this trip, but guess you what, THIS AINT A VACATION FOR ME. I still have bills to pay and I have my own damn vacation to save for (you know where I actually get away from this place). So, unless you paying my way and yours, be happy with the cheap shit and that you are here.
3. Please do not contact me ahead of time asking me what to wear, what we are going to do, what the weather is like blah blah blah. Um, the internet is available to EVERYBODY. If you wanna know the weather, look that shit up just like I would do. Also, I am not a fucking party planner. I will take into consideration that you are a visitor and that you've probably never been here before, but don't be expecting me to know every damn thing going on that weekend. You better go to www.citysearch.com and find some shit that you wanna see/do. And stop it with the "What should I wear?" Are you fucking kidding me!!!! Is this the first time you've ever been on vacation??? Dress comfortable! I don't know what you got in yo damn closet. Don't you ever go out @ home? Use your brain Dammit!!!!!
4. DO NOT think that you're not gonna lift a finger in my house and that I'm going to serve you like Jeffrey or *insert a butler name*. Um, you aint paying me for that service so you ain't gettin it. This is NOT Hotel De *insert your name* and I am not a concierge/bellman/guest service agent/server/whatever. I'll wash dishes and clean up and shit on the first day. The second day you better have yo ass in there helping. POINT BLANK!!!!!!
5. In the case that you do plan some shit, don't plan A.M. stuff without permission from the host. Just cause you like to wake up at or before the crack of dawn doesn't mean that I do. Enough said.
6. BE INDEPENDENT!!!! You might wanna do some shit that I just don't wanna do or don't have the time to do or can't afford to do (unless of course you pay for me then I'm all for it). You better start learning how to do thing by yourself or meet someone and go with them.
7. Don't be crabby when you come. BE happy that your are a.) on vacation b.) not paying for a hotel, which can be very expensive btw, and c.) ON VACATION. I've invited you into my home. Please don't ruin that by being a crabby guest.

I'm Just Sayin!!!!!

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO ADD YOUR OWN RULES